Hello all! I am Land Mermaid, and I’m about to treat you to a depressing intro post. Sorry?
Here we go:
For the longest time I believed that school was the absolute clearest path to success. It was supposed to go like this: if: good grades then: college admission; followed by if: good grades then: career track, post-college job. In hindsight I see there’s a pretty obvious gap in logic there. How exactly does good grades ensure a career and is that supposed to work the same for every major? That being said, I don’t think you can make fun of me too much because, let’s be honest, there’s a very strong narrative in this country that education is key to success. The mistake I think that I made is that I misinterpreted it as education equals success. Here’s where I actually am:
I graduated with a Bachelors degree with highest honors due to completing a voluntary honors thesis and a 3.8-something GPA. (All you 4.0ers are laughing at me for thinking that’s good but it is so suck it) Almost two years later, I am a low level manager at a store in the town I went to school in and because I spent all of my years, K through undergrad, working hard to be good at school and succeeding at that, I don’t know how to function now that I have that long awaited degree.
I don’t know what I want.
I wouldn’t know how to get it if I did.
And, this is important, now I’m an adult with bills and I can’t afford to not work in order to give myself the time and energy to figure it out.
I’m sure there are plenty of others who have experienced this and I’m sure plenty of them are the kind of people who buckled down in their off hours, did some soul searching, frantically wrote and edited their resumes and cover letters, sifted through all of the postings for cashiers for the good jobs, and dug their way out of this hole. Apparently, I don’t have the mental fortitude for that.
After over a year and a half of frequent crying-jags and a hundred conversations with concerned friends that overturned no resolutions on my part to do better, what do I have? All of the introspection of the last year and a half has failed to answer the question of what I want to do with my life, but has revealed things like: weekends with my boyfriend are important, I need to be able to travel with my best friend, and I still like writing. So this is me working on the latter. I finally have enough mental and emotional energy to deal with the fact that that has been my only revelation and so I have a calendar which lists the things I expect myself to do each day and writing is on it.
I still have so much work to do, though. I got my degree expressly so I wouldn’t have to work in retail so, sooner rather than later, I’m going to have to find a better job. This singular blog post is going to need to evolve into a constructive project. I also probably need to see a therapist but my potential mental health journey is a post for another time.
Anyway, I am Land Mermaid. I hope to blog about retail, pop culture, running, and anthropology, but I suppose I’ve learned to keep my expectations small.